Usually, the last Friday of the month has been devoted to fiction. This month, by popular demand, we’ll be having a personal essay instead.
The way I went about marriage was a cause of concern for my family.
In September of 2009, I posted my profile on Match.com, had my first date with Eric in October 2009 and we were married in March 2010. I like to say I arranged my own marriage, something that is not at all in line with my culture, or at least it hasn’t been for a few hundred years.
“Why be so clinical about this?” my mother asked, genuinely panicked at how fast I was moving and the checklist system I had for the progression my relationship should take.
Her concerns were understandable, but I would not be swayed. I wasn’t willing to explain my rationale either, as few people would believe the conversation I had had years earlier that prompted this way of doing things. Even fewer would believe the conversation was indicative of most or all men.
I knew that it was. And I didn’t want to fight about it.
The Conversation that Changed Everything
In 2001, I was on my way out of the Marine Corps, which was (at that time) less than one percent female. As such, the fellas didn’t watch what they said around the few female Marines. Why would they? We were in their world, not the other way around.
One fine Sunday morning, I found myself the only woman sitting at one of the picnic tables in front of the barracks, enjoying a cigarette as we talked about our Saturday night and who had hooked up with whom.
“Williams, you’re an asshole, by the way,” Taylor (not his real name) said to me. “I asked you to hook me up with a hot girl and you sent me Baker? She’s like 300 pounds!”
I looked at him, confused. We had been at a club the previous night and he had been quite attentive to Baker, a nice girl who I knew from our time in the medical rehab platoon.
“If you didn’t like her, why did you go home with her?” I asked, really not understanding what he was talking about.
He laughed out loud, as did the other six men at the table. “Because she was there!”
And they all laughed together, each sharing a story of a “whale” or an “uggo” that they had slept with, each seemingly trying to top the others with the repulsiveness of their past sexual partners.
I stared at them, utterly gobsmacked, a bone-deep humiliation and sadness sinking into me.
Is that what boys said about me the morning after?
Seeing Myself Through Men’s Eyes
I always knew that men divided women into two main categories: the ones you bring home to Mom, and the ones you nail in the back of your car. I understood and accepted that.
What I didn’t know was that a man could enthusiastically bed a woman he found genuinely disgusting. I didn’t understand the power of the male sex drive, particularly in those between 18 and 25 years old.
As I sat there at that picnic table, my cigarette burning itself out between my fingers, something shifted inside me.
Everything I thought I knew was wrong. As such, everything I had done was wrong, at least in terms of what I wanted for my own life.
What I wanted for my future was a stable marriage in a nice house with a dog. Maybe kids.
What I was doing was not bringing me closer to that goal and once I saw the reality of the male mind, I couldn’t unsee it.
Nine years later, I put out a dating profile on Match.com, the first line of which read: “I am looking for a husband. If you are looking for a wife, please read on.”
Between that day at the picnic table and the day I created my Match.com profile, there hadn’t been a single date. No kissing. No hand-holding. No encounters of any kind. I wasn’t ready to marry, which meant I wasn’t going to date.
I got very few inquiries for my dating profile. The few that I got were good ones, and they knew the deal right out of the gate.
My first date with Eric involved Mexican food, a horror movie, and a lengthy Q&A session where we asked each other all kinds of questions about values, goals, and what kind of behavior was appropriate for people in a committed relationship.
And five months later, my father walked me down the aisle at the Little White Wedding Chapel in Las Vegas, probably filled with doubt that his middle daughter was doing the right thing.
Fourteen years later, here we still are.
“Don’t you worry you missed out on meeting some hot guys?” my twice-divorced but well-meaning friend once asked me.
No, I don’t worry at all. My only worry is that young people today spend all their time talking past each other, seemingly competing over who cares less about the other’s opinion. I worry very much about that, and what it means for the American family going forward.
My family is doing well, and it’s because I listened to an unpleasant truth and instead of attacking it and demanding that others change themselves to accommodate me, I made changes in myself.
Married or single, there can be no more empowering path than that.
Fun Reads for your Long Weekend
You may have heard I am in the process of writing my first paranormal romance. As such, I’ve been reading as many books in the genre as I can get my hands on. I’ve found some duds, but I’ve also found some winners!
Machelle Hanleigh writes portal scifi and scifi romance that I couldn’t put down. If you like paranormal love, pick this one up!
Thanks for sharing your experience. I met my husband on Match.com in February 2005. Married him in November 2005. We just celebrated 17 years together. I knew exactly what I wanted and met over 100 guys for coffee until I met him. It was a time consuming and difficult process but I knew he was out there and I looked and looked until I found him. Congratulations to you finding your guy. It's worth the effort. Neither of us wanted children either. But we do have a dog who is spoiled rotten.
I wish I had done this. It would have saved me so much heartache. But, God in His amazing grace, safely led me through all my messy mistakes to my wonderful husband. I absolutely recommend the path you took. Good for you for being strong enough to take it. And, thank you for sharing this part of your life story.