“You don’t want to be a wife. Actually, you say you would ‘rather be dead’ than do it again. So why are you on dating sites looking for a husband?”
So ended an awkward conversation with a (perhaps former) friend of mine who asked for my honest opinion.
Dating and marriage have become landmines of hostility, with each sex lobbing hateful generalities at each other.
Women withhold sex as a weapon!
Men are selfish and lazy!
Women get fat the second you put a ring on it!
Men are emotionally abusive!
Women file for divorce over nothing!
No, MEN abandon the family and the WOMAN is left filing the paperwork!!!!
And on and on it goes. I have been married nearly 15 years and, as a I detailed in an earlier post, married my husband after only a few months in a somewhat untraditional manner. As such, my single friends sometimes ask me for advice on how to find “The one.”
My friend didn’t like the advice I gave her, and maybe you won’t either. But I got some questions about what I said to make her not want to talk to me anymore, so I thought I’d capture it here.
As a note, my friend is not religious, and thus none of my advice listed here is based on Christian edicts for marriage or sexuality.
What “Job” Are You Looking For?
For young people (under 30) seeking a first marriage, the path is simple. If you are a woman, the job you are looking for is Wife.
Though there will be some specificities to your job responsibilities (working outside the home or being a homemaker, etc.), the job of Wife is well-established in all cultures. You know what you are signing yourself up for. As such, you know what you’re looking for in applicants for Husband.
But if you are in your late 40s, have been previously married and have three children (one grown, two in the house), what job are you looking for?
Are you still looking to be a wife? Or, as in the case of my friend, did you specifically get a divorce because this whole Wife thing wasn’t for you?
If you’re not looking to be a wife, if you’d “rather die” than be one, then is it fair for you to seek out a husband?
The problem I saw in my friend (and I notice a lot in online discourse), is that people want spouse-like devotion from the person they seek, while offering hook-up-level commitment themselves.
What is the end goal for such a fear- and insecurity-based arrangement?
Heartbreak, that’s what.
A big reason the dating scene is so toxic is because you don’t know what you’re looking for.
“I’m looking for love.”
Okay, what is that?
Are you referring to the butterflies and hormones of infatuation? At your age, I hope not. But if that’s what it is, you should know from past experience those sensations are fleeting, and they become ever more rare as you age.
Are you referring to the deep connection and “Agape love” that comes from long-term committed monogamous relationships?
If so, are you willing to put in the time to cultivate such a love?
Truth in Advertising
Strange as it is, I respect the internet lotharios who boast of their triple-digit girlfriend count. Because they are rich, handsome, and highly sought after, no woman is so prized as to be his one and only. The women know they are part of a collection, not his queen. There’s no deception or bait-and-switch. It is what it is. Take it or leave it.
With all that said, I do wonder what “Job” these men want their multitude of women to fulfill. Their own “Job” as liege lord is quite well-established. But what job are they looking for the ladies to perform? Surely not something as simple and vulgar as body fluid receptacle. They have that in spades with the existing harem. Still their search continues for ever more partners. But for what? Do they even know?
Do you?
My husband’s Aunt Patricia was widowed in her 60s and has since taken up with “Mr. George,” a kindly windower, also in his late years. She calls him her “gentleman friend.” Mr. George and Aunt Patricia will not marry. Ever. Nor do they cohabitate. They built their lives, have grown children and grandchildren, and enjoy each other’s company. Rarely are they seen apart.
Are they wrong for this? Their pastor might think so. And maybe I should too. But I don’t.
The “Job” of gentleman friend is an important one and Mr. George fulfills his role perfectly. As does Aunt Patricia in her role as lady friend. She does not presume to take on stepmother status or be entitled to any part of what Mr. George will leave his children when he passes.
One wonders if she would be loved so greatly by Mr. George’s family if she did aspire to those roles.
I don’t presume to tell people what they should look for in a relationship. But I can tell you that the form must meet the function, and the “Job” you’re looking to fill will determine the person you find to fill it.
Yes sounds good. I am divorced and 53. Maybe a gentleman friend and see him once a week and go travelling. But what I am really looking for is a trad wife in a male form 🤣 but don't want to marry or cohabit. He can just make me muffins.
I'm married 42 years. My wife and I want one thing. Each of us wants to be the best version of ourselves, and know that if something bothers one about the other, it has nothing to do with the other, it has to do with the way we see ourselves as reflected back. The result: each one of us are two parts of a whole who help each other become more emotionally tidy , more willing to give than take and more pleasant to be around.